I have unfortunately run across a mother in law issue in wedding A-B. This is an area where the bride’s attitude makes all the difference.  Depending on what type of bride you have, the reaction may be a non-event or one that takes up weeks of your life.  I’m pretty level-headed and logical and my bride isn’t always the same. Hence a breakdown.

I was on vacation for two weeks and while I was away it seems that the issues and tensions were mounting the whole time. Nothing got resolved and since the bride is not as close to the other bridesmaids, she did not seek counsel from anyone else, leaving a nice platter of  ”I’m having a breakdown” on my doorstep upon return. While I love to help and counsel and ask the right questions that help people find their own answers, most of the time my perspective is so far from the person that if I give straight advice it doesn’t help.

As it turns out, most of the issues that were mounting during my vacation had to do with the mother in law. I sort of had an idea that it would only be a matter of time considering some of her early demands. ( The best part is that she actually likes the bride. I would hate to think what would be going on if she didn’t. ) It turns out that the mother in law doesn’t have enough hobbies because she has made one out of pissing off the bride and groom. She has created drama out of situations that didn’t have any. I swear she must be bored.  It has become particularly bad because the groom can’t stand up to his mother and doesn’t want the bride to either.

The run down is this, she has been making demands of the bride and groom that are unreasonable at this stage in the game (aka the wedding is only 6 weeks away). Asking for more people to be invited (that the bride and groom have never met), complaining that people don’t have guests, throwing an alternate shower because three people who she wanted invited to the shower didn’t make the cut and buying inappropriate gifts for the shower. While I think that a lot of this is normal, it has put the bride over the edge with everything else that is going on in her life.

I went to a fitting with the bride and at dinner afterwards we rehashed all of the above in detail and made sure that I hadn’t missed anything while I was on vacation. What it came down to in my opinion was that this wasn’t the fight. Mother and daughter in-laws will fight. It is a fact of life. At some point in your marriage it will happen.  But I think you can choose your battle and for me I thought this wasn’t it. You have a fight about her telling you how to raise your kids or letting your kids do something that you don’t want them to. Those are the fights, not this. If the couple had put their foot down early and not let her walk on them, then the story would be different, but they didn’t. They wanted to please her which was a big mistake. She has taken that and run with it, and even verbally abused the groom, and acted like a spoiled child throwing a tantrum when she didn’t get her way. While I think her behavior has been outrageous, I also think they enabled her, and that at this point in the process they need to do what they can to get through it without messing up the wedding day. The mother in law even had the audacity to tell the couple that the day was not about them.

I gave my bride this advice ” this is not the fight and every time she is pissing you off or anyone else in the wedding for that matter, focus on what makes you most happy in her relationship, focus on what makes you most happy about your groom.” I think at this point that is the only way she is going to get through it with her sensitive nature and people pleasing streak. Sometimes you just have to show the bride the bigger picture because they can’t see past the in the moment details.